in 🤕Brainfuck

Financial freedom and location independence is not everything I wanted. I thought it was, but that’s only because I wasn’t there yet. For more than half year I didn’t needed to work for more than 1 hour a week because I accomplished all my financial goals. And guess what? I had one of the biggest life crisis I have ever encountered. I was doomed and in despair. How could it be? I could be anywhere! I had more than enough resources, not needing to answer to anybody! Well, I reached the finish line and back then I saw no reason to keep running.

When I was building my company back in 2014 I worked 12 hours a day. A bit less those days where I had to work in my “real job” lifting boxes for a big corporation. But I had a purpose, a reason for waking up at 5 or 6. I had to get my financial freedom and location independence! When I reached that milestone, I was like “cool, now I can travel anywhere at any time!”. And after a few days I was looking at maps without knowing where to head next… Those trips had no real purpose. Just moving for the sake of it (because I could).

In the beginning of 2017 I decided to rethinking myself in a boat. What did I really wanted? Why wasn’t I happy having more freedom? I wasn’t sure. And then I went to Poland and met Klara. Nothing happened but she was who made me open my eyes. I tried to kiss her, she said “if we kiss, it will be just a kiss, because tomorrow you will be in another country and this will be already over”. She was telling me this, with those ocean-color eyes anchored at me, and I was feeling completely numb. My dream lifestyle at that very moment was a nightmare, because I really liked her and everything I had built was being turned against me. She was right. Before meeting her I wanted to see more countries, meet more friends, more women! Why the hell was I a wreck then? Why after a few months I felt miserable? I had money, I had intimate connections, I had all the financial and location independence every person dreams off. But I wasn’t happy.

“Unperfecting” myself

After moving around the East I went back home. I started to write and learn languages again. And I know, lot os people can know more languages or write better. But I’m done seeking perfection. What I’m looking for now is peace of mind. Challenges that keep me moving but unstressed. There are plenty of people who write way better and more interesting stuff than me, but they cannot write the same way I do. I was looking for so long for something expressive to put my soul into. A hobby which cannot be emulated. I have my own voice when I put words into paper (or well, screen). The only thing I need to keep in mind is to keep enjoying when I struggle for a new word or a way to express myself. The 10.000 hours of mastery and hustle suck. I don’t want to reach mastery under others expectations. Just make a freaking tea and sit next to my thoughts.

Blaming it all on traveling

The trips are not the main reason of how I felt. It was only myself, but moving all the time didn’t let me stick with things I loved and people I wanted to stick with.

“At home I dream that at Naples, at Rome, I can be intoxicated with beauty, and lose my sadness. I pack my trunk, embrace my friends, embark on the sea, and at last wake up in Naples, and there beside me is the stern fact, the sad self, unrelenting, identical, that I fled from.” – Self-Reliance, Ralph Waldo Emerson

So that’s the answer. I could move around again, but without a good reason I don’t feel like it. I want to make my relationships stronger, write more, learn more languages and Swing dance. And I love it. People hate routines because they hate what they are actually do, not the fact of doing something repetitively. Why in the world would you hate doing something you love all the freaking time?